I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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