I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
