Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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