i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
