dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
