I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just cropdusted the office
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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