at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
this hospital has no fireball
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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