shes about as inviting as chlamydia
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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