they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
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His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
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she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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