why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We don't watch enough power rangers
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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