I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
