she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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