It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
