My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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