Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
