Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
