yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
