Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
