I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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