as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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