I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
