Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
