it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
