Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
