Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
