I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
