i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
