and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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