thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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