WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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