i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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