she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
