is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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