he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
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She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
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I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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