I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize