I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
