I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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