Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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