Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
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I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
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Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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