I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Let's paint friendship bongs
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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