he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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