I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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