hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Say something about gay babies.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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