i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
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What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
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I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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