I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
