I can tuck mytits in my pants
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
