wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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