dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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