remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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