I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.