Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me