I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
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Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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