I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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