my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
