This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
