she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
