I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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