I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
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he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
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dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
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