Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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