Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
