If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
